- Anybody know what time it is? - [B. J.] Quarter past catatonic.
[Potter] I got 20 past.
Maybe we oughta synchronize our exhaustion.
At times like this, I feel a debt of gratitude...
to that old Kentucky gent who discovered that...
you can do more with barley than make soup.
You are referring, of course, to bourbon...
the grape Nehi of alcoholic beverages.
I prefer something a little more elegant myself.
Who gives a rat's hat? So long as it numbs the noggin.
Here we are, folks, hot off the press. Last month's bar tabs.
- Don't push. Everybody gets one. - Just put my tab on my tab.
All right, this time you've gone too far, Igor.
This isn't a bill. It's a phone number.
- Thirty-eight dollars and 20 cents? - [Chuckles]
I can't be responsible for this. I must have been drunk at the time.
- I double-checked it, sir. - Thirty-eight dollars?
Mine's only 22. You win falling away.
Well, I'm not surprised, Pierce, the way you bend your elbow. Give me a double scotch.
- That must be over 150 drinks. - Gin and tonic.
- Bourbon, neat. - Cognac.
I could have saved this money and bought a Studebaker.
Big deal. You'd have just driven it to some bar.
This is just the tip of the ice cube. What about Rosie's? What about the still?
Relax, Pierce. Even my own alcoholic consumption's been elevated...
since I landed in this leper colony.
When I go back to civilization, it will return to normal as it will for all of us.
How do you know that? I don't. I've never gone home from a war before.
How do I know I won't set up a still in my own living room?
Hawk, there's nothing to worry about. You'll see.
Yeah, well, I'm gonna see now. I'm not gonna drink anymore.
- [All Laughing] - I mean it! I quit!
- Ha! - Oh, I get it. Stop now, avoid the Christmas lush.
Pierce, a two-ton bar tab is no reason to take the pledge.
Not forever. Just for a week. I wanna prove to myself I can do it.
- You wanna join me? - Are you kidding?
I quit not drinking when I was a kid.
Okay, have it your way. But I'm gonna put myself to the test.
#There's a bright golden haze on Korea #
#The sun is as high as a drunken G.I. #
- You know anything from Naughty Marietta? - Nope.
- Good. Sing that. - Come on. Wakey, wakey.
Coffee's hot. Get it before the scum settles.
Pierce, you remind me of a dog I once had.
He, too, was cheerful in the morning.
So I gave him to a family of immigrant Japanese, and they ate him.
Come on, Marie.
- #The dawn is breaking # - Aah!
- You filthy swine! - [Chuckling]
Hey, come on. You don't wanna be late for your hangover.
Hawkeye! Hawk, you shaved.
Cleaned, pressed.
- It's revolting. - What is it, parents' day?
Oh, sure. Poke fun at the able-bodied.
While you two were embalmed, I found out that there's gallons of hot water at this hour.
I showered twice, shaved, shampooed.
It's fun getting up without the wrath of grapes.
Good morning, men of medicine! Mail call!
- [Grunts] - [Growls]
Excuse me. I seem to have stumbled into the critical ward.
- Actually, they're rejects from triage. - Sir, you look wonderful.
Where's the souse we've come to know and pick up off the floor?
I'm spending a week on the wagon. This is the new Hawkeye Pierce.
- No preservatives. - You're quitting drinking?
- Uh-huh. - I better call my broker and dump my Seagram's stock.
Corporal, I believe you mentioned mail.
Would you please complete your appointed rounds?
Oh, yeah, sure. Light load today, postal patrons.
Winchester, C.E., three.
Give me that!
Next time I make this delivery, I suggest you keep this man on a leash.
- My sister Honoria. - Isn't she the lady wrestler?
Spare me your delirium tremens, wit.
Hey, Beej, come on. Get up. Get dressed. We got time to play some golf.
Are you kidding? I'm in no condition to drive.
See what you've done to yourself?
Your body is a temple, and the Philistines have dropped in.
- Dear God in heaven! - What happened in Boston, Charlie?
Honoria lose the big tag team match?
How could she have allowed this to happen to her?
Mother and Father must be beside themselves.
- What's the matter? Is she sick? - Worse than that.
She's engaged to an Italian! Klinger!
Klinger! Klinger!
What a time for that dolt to be off playing post office.
All right. Hello?
H-Hello?
Hello? H...
Hello? Of course, this infernal contraption doesn't work.
Why should it? Wasn't Marconi an Italian? Hel... Hello.
About time. I want to place a call to Boston, Lawrence 8464.
Yeah, Boston, Massachusetts, you geographic whiz.
Who am I? Who are you? Sparky, eh?
Well, Sparky, flash this call through immediately!
L... It's an emergency! I need no authorization!
Oh, is that so? Well, I am a major...
and you are a supercilious twit with a name befitting a cocker spaniel!
Now, for the last time... Klinger! Thank heaven.
Here, explain to Alexander Dumb Bell...
that I must get through to Boston immediately.
- Boston, Massachusetts? - No! It's spending the winter in Florida.
Hello? Uh, to whom do I have the pleasure?
- Sparky. Sparky. - Sparky! Hey, long time no...
Huh?
Well, I, uh... I can't talk about it now. He's standing right next to me.
- All right. I'll tell him. - Well? Well? Well?
Sorry. No personal phone calls to the zone of interior.
- Matters of military urgency only. - This is...
- No exceptions. - This is military urgency!
My sister has surrendered to an Italian!
Wow! This could be the end of civilization as we know it.
Klinger, just get me through to the telegraph office in Seoul.
No can do. Guerrillas knocked it out yesterday.
- Just relax, sir. - Relax? Are you insane?
How would you feel if your sister were marrying a swarthy...
dark-haired olive picker?
She did. And for your information, Major...
so did my mother and my grandmother...
not to mention the future Mrs. Max Klinger, whoever she is!
Did I say something to offend him?
Colonel, it is imperative that I get to Boston.
- Boston, Massachusetts? - Yes! Yes! Boston, Massachusetts.
Now, just hang on to your homburg, Winchester.
You come barreling into your C.O.'s bunkhouse...
bellow at him like a berserk buffalo...
aggravating his anger and his hangover all because you want to bug out.
How'd you like to be spending the rest of the war with a bull's-eye on your dome?
Perhaps I have expressed myself with too much pique.
I'm under terrible stress. You see...
my beloved sister Honoria has betrothed herself.
- Well, congrats all around. Who's the lucky caballero? - No! No!
No! You don't understand.
- The man is Italian. - Okay.
Lucky paisano. Look, I know how much you want to be there for the nuptials.
But if I let you leave, people will be wanting furloughs for Groundhog Day.
Sir, I do not wish to attend the nuptials. I wish to prevent them.
- How's that? - Surely as a horseman, you can understand.
You do not sire a fine thoroughbred with Tony the Pony.
Well, when you put it that way, I can see your problem.
Permission denied. Good night.
Sir! Consider poor Honoria.
She's young, she's infatuated. She's an idiot!
Look, boy, aren't you being a bit highfalutin on this score?
This is America. Remember those words inscribed on the lady with the lamp?
"Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses"?
What do you think slums are for?
New sheets for old. New sheets for old.
Excuse me, Doctor. If you're finished, we'd like to change the linen.
All through. Change that dressing this afternoon...
- and under no circumstances is he allowed to flamenco. - Si, si, Doctor.
Okay. Places, everyone, for the pagan wedding march.
Nymphs on one side, satyrs on the other. No mingling.
Excuse me, Doctor. May I dance through?
How am I supposed to check patients if you're changing sheets?
We change the linens every day at 11:30, Doctor.
Well, you could let a person know, you know?
- So, Hawk, how's the world treating you? - That's my pen!
That's my pen. I've been looking for that for two days.
- I must have picked it up by accident. - I left that on my footlocker.
My footlocker. That is hardly a bequest to the general populace.
I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.
- I'm sorry. Uh, keep it. I'm... Forget it. I'm sorry. - Thanks.
I'll be back in 10 minutes. What-What is that stench in here?
- Stench? - The odor. It smells like sardines marinating in ammonia.
It's probably the disinfectant, Doctor.
Margaret, I know what disinfectant smells like.
That's more like infectant.
Four more days of his sobriety is gonna drive me to drink.
He got mad at me this morning 'cause he didn't get any mail.
No wonder. Who'd wanna write a grump like that?
For your information, Corporal...
Captain Pierce is not behaving like a grump just for the fun of it.
When a person gives up drinking, it has a physical effect on the body. It's temporary.
For the time being, we can be understanding and supportive.
I got a better idea. We tell him he needs a malaria shot...
and we fill the hypo with booze.
[Straining, Grunting]
- Hawkeye. - What's the matter, you can't sleep?
Not in a Vic Tanny Health Club.
It's just that I'm so restless.
If somebody would open an all-night bowling alley...
I'd make him rich beyond his wildest dreams.
# Lucky, lucky, lucky me I'm a lucky son of a gun #
- [Speaking Italian] - Well, well, it's the leaning tower of pompous.
Who does that Rosie think she is calling me a rummy?
- [Slurred Speech] I was "shipping sablis." - How rude.
- What you are is a wino. - Thank you for upholding my honor.
Oh, geez, Charles, not so close! That breath could trip a land mine.
Hey, guys? See me in my bunk?
See that darkness outside? Those are the unmistakable signs of night.
Why don't you leave the talking to the crickets?
- Sorry, Beej. - My lips are seals.
## [Singing In Italian]
I don't believe this. Who told you you could rehearse the Thomas Edison pageant?
I must finish this letter to Hon... Hon... my sister.
You've written her three days in a row.
What are you trying to do, get bulk mail rates?
I am trying, you unamusing little man...
to prevent a wedding which begins...
"Hey, do youse take this woman?"
Spoken like a true patriot, Charles.
Red neck, white sheet and blue nose.
For crying out loud, I'm trying to sleep here.
Well, you've got your bankie. What do you want, a lullaby?
Oh, great, Charles. Have another drink.
- Face up to your problems face down. - Why not?
I'm sure this swill is better than anything they will serve at my sister's wedding.
This is just the thing, you know, to wash down...
an elegant repast of pizza, ravioli and scungilli.
Before you start writing poison pen blessings, Charles...
why don't you lie down and dry out?
Because inebriation will enable me to form the words that will sway my sister.
Perfect. Right now, you're an expert at swaying.
"Dear Dodo."
"Dear Charles.
On behalf of Honoria and myself, shut up!"
Shh. People are sleeping.
"I await with bated garlic breath...
"the announcement of your firstborn:
"To Honoria and Vito 'The Big Knife' Machete...
a 12-pound, 10-ounce organ grinder."
When you mail that, you'd better wear a disguise.
Why don't you dress up as a human being? No one will recognize you.
- [Mock Laughter] - All right! That does it!
That does it! I've had it with your sanctimony and your bigotry.
What I need is some tranquillity, like in a machine-gun nest.
A football locker room.
No.
A hyena's cage. No, no. Wait, wait, wait.
The inside of a fisherman's boot in Newark. That's it.
The potatoes, on the other hand...
Son, I think it'd be a lot easier getting these vittles down...
- without the nasal appraisal. - I call 'em as I smell 'em.
It's just swell having you around, Hawk.
If you're not gonna let me sleep, the least you can do is let me eat.
Go ahead, eat. But if your senses had the sense that my senses have...
you wouldn't touch that stuff with a 10-foot fork.
Since the veil of alcohol has been lifted from my brain...
I've discovered a whole new world out there...
and you have no idea how disgusting it is.
Look, Captain, I understand what you're going through.
It's admirable. It's noble. It's an inspiration to us all.
But I think I speak for the entire congregation when I say, "Shut up!"
- Oh, is that so? - Yes, that's so!
We've had it up to here with your teetotaling tantrum.
Oh, I get it. You want me to start drinking again, don't you?
- That's not what I said. - Oh, that's what you want.
- Oh, Hawk, don't be paranoid. - You'd like that, wouldn't you?
The old Dr. Pierce from Souse Korea.
He was all the rage with that cute, little wobble in his walk...
not to mention his rosy cheeks with eyes to match.
That's what you want, isn't it, Margaret?
If everything's so damn clear to you, Mr. Keen Senses...
how come you haven't noticed that I'm the one who's been defending you?
That is, up till now.
- Well, you don't have to get huffy. - I don't know, Pierce.
I think she's got a good case for the huffs.
- Excuse me, Doctor. - Ah, Lieutenant Mendenhall, as I live and breathe heavily.
- Tonight's duty roster's out. - And?
And I'm not on it. Do we still have that date?
We certainly do. I'll call the supply room...
and book a romantic corner crate for two.
Mmm, you are so cute.
- See ya. - Okay.
After you're through snuggling, could you save a little cute for the rest of us?
- Oh, good afternoon, Major. - That is your opinion, Father.
- Hmm? - Entree, sir?
- What is it? - Italian meatballs.
No! My sister's marrying one.
You know, Major, perhaps it's not my place, but I'd like to point out...
that the Italian people have given the world a great deal.
Art, culture, the Renaissance.
I hope you'll reflect on this and try and accept the situation.
Thank you, Father, but the closest I can come to acceptance...
is when I console myself with the fact that at least she's not marrying an Irishman.
Why is everyone so testy?
- So, this is the Hawk's famous love nest. - ## [Jazz On Radio]
Mmm.
- Interesting place. - And not easy to get into either.
I had to give a big hunk of this stuff to the head rat.
[Chuckles] Thank you.
- You know what's amazing? - Hmm?
I'm having a really swell time, and I haven't even had one drink.
- You don't mind if I, uh... - No, no, no, no, no.
It's just that I'm having such a good time not drinking, you know?
Mmm. Well, as long as you're enjoying yourself.
Oh, I am. I am. You know, you could go easy on that stuff too.
- Huh? - Well, that's your third glass. But, who's counting?
Well, this is a switch. Most guys think it gets you in the mood.
Yeah, well, I can get in the mood the regular way.
- I don't need to get my moods out of a bottle. - But you are in the mood?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
But you need some kind of artificial stimulation just to get in the mood?
- What? - Well, what kind of a relationship do people have...
if they have to get numb just to feel something?
- You know? - Wait a minute. What's with you tonight?
I came here because you seem like a really terrific guy.
Warm, tender, great sense of humor.
Oh, sure. I bet after a couple of belts of that...
you'd say the same thing to J. Fredd Muggs.
- Dr. Pierce, if you recall... - ## [Shuts Off]
This little tête-a-tête was your idea, not mine.
You gave me the impression we were going to have an intimate, romantic evening.
Now, if I had known that I was going to get a temperance lecture...
I would have made a date with someone more fun, like a cadaver.
Excuse me. I'm looking for...
the American Society for the Advancement of Bigotry and Button Noses.
Klinger... my constant reminder that Darwin was right.
Major, your snide remarks at the expense of swarthy peoples everywhere...
shall cease and desist, or you'll never see this letter from your sister.
- Give me that. - Ah, ah. Not until you say...
- "Olive skin makes good kin." - Give it to me!
Oh! Okay, okay.
I'll settle for a kind word about olives.
Mmm! Miracle of miracles, the wedding's off.
What happened? Your family have the groom beheaded?
How da... His family intervened.
They forbade him from marrying out of their faith. Oh!
Don't you just hate narrow-minded people?
Klinger, I must get a wire to my sister immediately.
[Man On P.A.] Attention, everybody. Incoming wounded.
Get yours while they last. Tell your friends.
Can't stand it when people drop in uninvited.
- Major? - Yeah, I'm coming. L... I'll be right there.
I've got a prisoner on the gurney, Doctor.
- [Hawkeye] Over here, Klinger. - Thank you.
Our next contestant comes all the way from Peking.
His interests include moo goo gai pan and collecting and trading American prisoners.
- How about a big MASH welcome for... - Just get him on the table.
Klinger, what the hell is this? This guy's pants are still on.
Don't blame me, oh, surly surgeon.
I don't peel 'em. I just push 'em. Corpsman!
All right, never mind. It's too late now.
Just don't do it next time, all right?
- Wait! Wait! - [Shouting In Korean]
Pierce, what the hell are you doing over there?
This crazy lunatic's got a live grenade!
- How the hell did he get a grenade in here? - Don't panic.
He's holding the handle, and I'm holding him.
- Somebody give him a hand. - No, no! Stay back.
All right, listen up. Everybody who doesn't have to be here skedaddle, pronto.
- Go on. - Just hold on tight, son. Your fingers...
are all that's standing between us and kablooey.
Just think of me as five little Dutch boys.
- [Shouting In Korean] - Easy! Take it easy!
- [B. J.] Somebody get on the gas and get him under! - I'll do it!
The tank's broken! The gauge snapped off!
I'll get an ether mask. Roy!
- Keep calm. I'll be right back. - How long do you think you can hold on?
- For the rest of my life. - Okay, Pierce, we gotta put the pin back in that grenade.
- Where is it? - Search me. - Use something else, you dolt.
A needle, swab, anything!
This is no time for experimenting. That's a Commie pineapple!
We gotta find the pin it came with.
Okay, anybody with a free hand, get down on your knees and look for that pin.
- And, for God's sake, find it fast! - [Shouting In Korean]
Father, as long as you're down there...
I'm praying already, sir.
You got us all wrong. We doctors.
We're good guys. Look at the white hats.
Pierce, whatever you do, try and calm that boy down.
Calm him down? What do you want me to do, sing him a song?
Music hath charms, Hawk.
# Hush, little baby don't say a word #
# Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird #
Feel free to join in if you know the words.
That's the ticket, Pierce. Keep singing.
# If that mockingbird don't sing #
# Papa's gonna buy... Papa's... #
- What-What does Papa buy? - A diamond ring. #A diamond ring #
Everybody!
[All] # If that diamond ring don't shine #
- #Papa's gonna buy you...# - [Charles] Uh, silver mine. Silver mine.
- Where the hell is Klinger with that ether? - ## [Singing Continues]
#If that silver mine goes broke #
- Father, what are you doing down there? - I found it! I found the pin!
- Well, get it up here! - Well, move your damn foot! You're standing on it!
[Charles] Uh... Uh, cart and bull. Cart and bull.
Hold him steady. For God's sake, hold him steady.
[Hawkeye] Okay, stop singing.
[Sighs]
I got it! I got it!
Now you show up. Where were you a minute ago when we needed a baritone?
Hello?
This is Major Charles Winchester, MASH 4077.
Uh, I wish to send a telegram to Honoria Winchester...
30 Briarcliff Lane, Boston.
Yes. Massachusetts.
Ready?
My dear Sister...
An incredibly profound experience...
has served to intensify the significance of your last letter.
It made me realize with keen awareness...
how precious is life and the loved ones with whom we share it.
You are about to receive several boorish letters...
which I deeply regret sending.
Please attribute them to greatness of distance...
and narrowness of mind.
I finally realize to my shock and shame...
that you are no longer the naive little sister that I left at home.
I wish I could be there to share the pain you must feel.
It's only now that I have begun to comprehend its depth.
Stop.
Love, Charles.
Got it?
Thank you.
Padre, finding that needle in the haystack...
- makes you man of the hour. - Well, thank you, Colonel.
I'd like to think I was motivated by heroism...
but when it comes right down to it, I was saving my own hide.
I'm just glad my hide was so close to yours.
Well, I'm buying a round of drinks, and they're all for you.
Oh, thank you, sir. I'll have a scotch, please.
- Bourbon. - My usual times two.
Got any ouzo? I'll have a beer.
- Scotch, neat. - Same here.
- Hawk, did I hear you right? - Pierce, you hopping off the wagon?
I just spent five minutes serenading a guy...
who was holding our lives in the palm of his hand.
Oh, Hawkeye, don't give up now.
You've only got two more days to go.
Let the boy make up his own mind, folks.
If Carry Nation had been in that O.R. With us...
she'd be getting a little juiced herself about now.
- Gee, Hawk, I thought you were gonna make it. - Look, I admit it.
I need this drink, all right?
I'll be back when I want it, not when I need it.
Dr. Winchester, I presume. Fancy meeting you here.
He's so innocent. Almost like an angel.
Who'd believe a little while ago, he tried to make angels out of all of us?
Nothing to worry about anymore, Charles.
- We sent his clothes out to be cleaned, pressed and exploded. - [Chuckling]
Isn't there anyplace in this camp I can go to get a decent night's sleep?